


Women Who Hate Men (and the men who love them)

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crossover, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-22
Updated: 2006-03-22
Packaged: 2019-02-02 07:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12722148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Male bonding in the mess hall.  Crossover with "The Sentinel."





	Women Who Hate Men (and the men who love them)

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Men can be really stupid.  


* * *

"I'm telling you, Chief," Jim muttered as he attacked the dessert cart, "we're going to meet a much better class of women here. Gainfully employed, no felony convictions, they've all passed a psych screening." It was only their second week at the SGC, but already the once-and-future Ranger was scouting out dangerous redheads. 

Blair harrumphed as politely as it was possible to harrumph, which is to say only just a little bit rude. "You're out of your mind, Ellison. Don't do it. They're killers, every last one of them, 'specially trained by our own government. These women can kill you with a paper clip, they've got that zappy thing to disappear your body in seconds -- I repeat, with emphasis: *just* *don't*." 

"But Blair -- " 

"No. I said no. Our old Sam only had a bunsen burner; this one's got a particle beam. I wouldn't chance it." 

A choking sound behind them caught their attention; they turned just in time to see Blair's new boss performing the Heimlich on a khaki clad figure they couldn't identify from this angle. When the choker stood up, still laughing, they recognized their other recruiter -- Colonel Jack O'Neill, who single-handedly rewrote the book on military recognition and procurement of "unconventional" personnel. Or as he liked to say, "I know a valuable resource when I eat dinner with it." Still pounding O'Neill's back was the SGC's Director of Archaeology, Anthropology and Linguistics, Dr. Daniel Jackson -- disgraced academic, world-renowned pyramidiot, inter-stellar heartthrob. 

"Made a few bad choices, did you?" By this time Jack had managed to tone it down to a light chuckle. "I'll bet my next week's Avalanche tickets against your Nuggets seats that we can meet your horror stories, and raise." 

Blair clapped a hand across Jim's mouth. "Don't answer him, big guy. We're not in their league." Just as quickly Daniel stepped in front of Jack to protest "Do you know what you're doing? These aren't stories we want to revisit." It didn't take a Ph.D. to realize this trip down memory lane was a horrible idea -- well, apparently it did. But it was already too late, Blair and Daniel could do nothing to dissuade their friends. 

Jim pulled Blair's hand away and smirked. "I'm going for it, Sandburg. I know we can win, and those Av seats will come in handy when I ask out that cute lieutenant I've got my eye on." Blair's arm came up again, Jim slapped it down. "Don't stop me; your history will beat anything they can offer." He turned to face Daniel and Jack. "Blair's girlfriend's father tied him up and threatened him with a machete. She dumped him for it. A year later he gave her another chance, and her new boyfriend held him hostage for Swiss bank codes. Another girlfriend tried to burn his face off. Then there's the one who stole his car, with him in it, and made him play musical kidnappers with a bunch of drug dealers and the people who rob them." 

Blair wasn't going to stand for it. Or sit for it. Whatever. If they were going to share bad girlfriend stories, Jim's history was so much more ... colorful ... than his. "Hey, buddy, you're the one with the jewel thief, the mob widow, I mean wife, and the triad assassin." Wow, Jim never knew Blair had such an icy glare. Sandburg turned to Daniel and continued. "His last girlfriend faked her husband's death for an insurance scam, then set him up to be killed for real, and framed Jim for the whole thing. Meanwhile, her *real* boyfriend was at IA setting Jim up for stealing drugs out of evidence." 

By this time Jim and Blair were staring daggers at each other -- how did they let a friendly bet get so ugly, so fast? And the bet wasn't even with each other. "Those Av tickets better be damn good seats," Blair hissed at his partner. "And even if they are, it wasn't worth dredging up all that." But at least he knew Jack and Daniel's stories couldn't compare. Could they? 

"There was this alternate Carter from a parallel universe," Jack offered. "But she was just using me as a substitute for the alternate Jack from her world." 

Jim shook his head. "Bush league, O'Neill. If that's your worst you're not even in the game." 

"Laira tried to keep it a secret when my team came to rescue me. She waited hours before telling me the radio was broadcasting, Teal'c almost died." 

Blair started to perk up. "Getting warmer, but hey man, that's nowhere near as bad as what we've already given you. We're still way ahead on points." 

Time for Jack to pull out the big guns. "Daniel's princess threw us in the mines. Held us for weeks; 18-hour days at hard labor, bread and water, while upstairs in the palace she was turning Daniel into an addict. Wouldn't let us go until he promised to marry her." Blair listened in dismay; he doubted there was anything possible in the State of Washington to rival that story. 

"Go to hell, Jack." Memories like this were the reason Daniel didn't want to play this game in the first place. 

"Been there, done that." 

"Fine," sniffed Jackson. At least they were catching up quickly, and could pull ahead with just one or two more stories. "Like Kynthia was such a prize." He turned to Blair. "She served him a cake that turned him into a 90-year-old." 

"Three words, Danny -- Destroyer of Worlds." 

"Jack, don't be an ass. She's not like that anymore. You know she's not. She's changed." 

"Well, of course she's changed." Jack yelled, "After we gave her a brain-wipe." 

The mess hall fell silent; as the four them traded looks they noticed everyone else in the room was staring at them as well. "O-kaaay," said Jim, subdued now, "game over, we have a winner. I'll be dropping those Nuggets tickets by your house this evening." 

Jack looked at Daniel, Daniel looked at Jack, Jack looked at Jim, Daniel looked at Blair, Jack looked at Daniel again, then turned to Jim. "Make it 7 o'clock," he said, "I'll have the barbecue up. How spicy do you like your salsa?" 

"Ellison likes mild, BlairSandburg prefers medium" said Teal'c. Blair marveled, not for the first time, that such an imposing figure could sneak up unnoticed, apparently without even trying. "Major Carter and I will be there should you require referees." And Blair continued to marvel that a man with no expression on his face, and no tone of voice, could convey such a combination of disgust and amusement. 

"We'll do better than that," said Sam, "we'll bring Janet to treat the testosterone poisoning, and Cassie to keep you all under control." Only Jim and Teal'c heard her mutter under her breath 'thank god they at least left the wives out of it.' "You're not going to add to this nonsense, are you, Teal'c?" 

"I cannot." said Teal'c. "No female has ever mistreated me." He lifted his chin, squared his shoulders, and strolled regally towards the salad bar. 

"uh, ...yeah." said Jack. "I'd better get going on my paperwork or I'll never be out of here in time. Carter, you'll bring the beer?" 

"Sure, sir" she replied, "and Janet's been teaching Cassie how to bake. I think there might still be some cookies left." 

"Sweet. See you tonight." And took his leave. 

The awkward silence was brief; as Blair pulled Daniel towards the corridor, he could be heard asking about local arcades, and who should the anthro squad challenge for a geeks vs. grunts video game tournament, and which team did he think Sam would play on, because didn't she count as both, and ... by which time they were out of earshot. 

And Jim was asking Sam "So Carter, what can you tell me about Lieutenant Astor? You know the one, she's on your friend Simmons' squad? Is she seeing anyone, does she like jazz...?" Jim had never dated a marine; maybe this would be a change for the better.


End file.
